thought:  Life without passion, is no life at all.  Keep the company who encourage and nourish you, rather than those who have no faith or understanding in you.

Looking back on the past decade, comparing the person I've become to the person I was before, I had decided that I lost a lot of my old passions.  Friends would tell me how they remembered how artistic and creative I was.  

Was.  

Why am I not that anymore?  

Somewhere along the road, while I explored different ventures in my life, I came across various people too.  Unfortunately, those who I chose and allowed to get close to me (and when I say that, I mean the "ex's" - both official and the "just dating" kinds), I think indirectly and some directly discouraged me from continuing my passions.  

ART

I learned how to write when I was barely 3.  I understood figure by grade 1 (i.e. my people were not stick figures, but actual 2D images of them).  I understood perspective, depth and detail by grade 3 (I drew a tree house with a staircase that wound up and around the trunk of the tree that had those swirly designs for the balusters, to a house that one would normally see on the ground, complete with window trimmings, etc).  By grade 5, I was dreaming of attending the Academy of Art.  In grade 6, I was encouraged to perhaps someday become a children's book author and illustrator, and at times would be fully excused from classes or tests to complete art projects for teachers or the school.  By the 8th grade, I was designing almost everyone's text book covers or making pictures for people.  In the 9th grade, I decided I wanted to become a Graphic Design artist.  By the 12th grade, I finally took an art class at school, and I finished every assignment days and days early giving me time to work on drawing random pictures of characters and names, designing invitations, cards and flyers, decorating backpacks, each item "ordered" from me by my peers and even teachers.

What happened?  

I lost my motivation to draw.  So young I was, I ended up letting my puppy love emotions get the best of me (got hurt badly).  Fail...

MUSIC

We were "forced" to learn the song flute in the 3rd grade.  In the 4th, we were allowed to pick our own instruments; I chose the violin.  Between grade 4-8, I consistently played the violin, eventually achieving the position of 1st chair in the 2nd Violin section (i.e. the top ranking seat in the section that usually plays the harmony to the 1st Violin section - which I was able to move into, but declined because I love harmony) for 3 years straight between grades 6-8.  I had also dabbled with the cello, viola and drumset.  I had joined the school choir in the 8th grade, and for 2 separate semesters in high school (I honestly don't remember the first, but the second was during my senior year), landing me a semi-solo for my graduation and an opportunity to perform with a special choir comprised of selected top singers from other schools around the area.  For a few months I had also taken up voice lessons, from a lady who pushed me so hard during warmups that I would lose my voice within 15 minutes, but according to friends, that's what got me the solo in school.  I took a total of 6 weeks of piano (if memory serves me correctly) lessons only to drop out because while they were all still trying to figure out the keys on the piano, I was already teaching myself how to play the full "Fur Elise" but for whatever reason, they wouldn't bump me up to the advanced classes.  

In truth, I wish I never stopped playing the violin.  But once I reached high school, the time they held orchestra was during a period I could not because I was involved in other extracurricular activities (High Honor Roll Club, Filipino American Alliance, Japanese Cultural Club).  Piano I stopped because we moved so much I couldn't really sit down and play like before, especially when all my sheets were lost in boxes (still are). Singing, for whatever reason I stopped going to my private teacher, and I wish I knew her contact info to do it again now, and eventually I started goofing off and messing up my voice.  Interestingly, my parents were more willing to pay for lessons in piano and singing over violin.

DANCE

Did you know, that once upon a time in elementary school, I loved to dance.  Every time our class had to do a dance number I would be put in the front row with the best dancers.  At home, I would mess around teaching myself how to break dance because our house had a room with mirrors on one wall and wooden floors, and that type of dance just looked so cool on TV.  Who knew it would be such a big thing today?  

Then middle school came, and with it, the ever dreaded 6th grade dance.  I'm not one to like getting forced to do something I'm not comfortable with.  All it took, was one forced slow dance with a boy that just made me despise dancing in public.  And my days as an aspiring B-girl ended around then too, mainly because it was one thing I couldn't find anyone else who was into it that I could do it with.  That was one thing that made me wish I had older siblings or cousins who may have likely been into that stuff then.

But in high school, my step mom wanted to enroll me at a dance school to do hip hop.  I did it for one day.  Plus side, they wanted me to stay cuz I was able to learn the choreo's quick and keep up with the cheerleaders (I so could tell they were) in the front row.  Down side, I felt like a cheerleader (nothing wrong with them, as I had once considered becoming one, but I wasn't that chipper all the time), and I'm not sure the 'rents wanted to pay for more lessons after they found out costs.

WRITING (POETRY / BLOGS)

I've somehow always been a writer.  Throughout school teachers would praise me for the things I wrote.  In middle school I joined journalism.  I got so good at writing in a concise manner, that in my normal English classes, I would sometimes get accused of plagiarism for my writing.  Luckily I had two teachers who always vouched for me.  Because of music, I had a knack for writing poetry (started out writing raps during my hip hop days).  As a form of expression especially when felt at its strongest, I would write my emotions and thoughts in the form of poems.  Eventually, I was introduced to this wonderful world called "xanga" where I had a place to (publicly though) write my thoughts and multifarious rants.

Blogging became my world.  If I had nothing thought provoking to write about, I would simply write about my day.  One day an "ex" made the comment that I wrote "too much."  I don't know what it was, but it killed my desire to write.  So my blogs lay fairly dormant for about 2-3 years until I rediscovered it via a former online social network (incompetent AsianAve.com) that had its own blog option.  Through there I met a ring of bloggers, who all matched my intellect of written expression, sharing opinions that sparked huge discussions.  But as I mentioned the competency level of the website, we all eventually got frustrated with it and stopped.

today...

Art

I spent years running away from my calling for some reason.  But no matter what I dabbled in, I always found my way back to doing something artsy.  Today I've been going back to school trying to find my direction in it.  So far I've taken Color Theory, Design and Drawing.  I'm being exposed to new challenges and mediums to work with, and learning about methods I've never known before.  There are some things I can still do like before (i.e. I draw fast, and can often finish a good picture within 15 minutes), and others, I'm working on (i.e. charcoal).  And with all this new exposures, I'm finding new inspirations and ideas of what I want to do.  No longer do I hate painting (which my teacher found odd considering the "awesome work" I did with it), I have learned about toned paper and the use of white conte crayons to create amazing pictures using only highlights.  We shall see where this art will take me in the time to come.

Music

I cannot get back into violin, however I've picked up the ukulele.  Now it's a matter of keeping up with it, and keeping close with others who would want to jam out together someday with me (ya know, when I'm good enough to be able to keep up, haha).  I am taking voice class in school, and have discovered I'm not actually an alto (which is actually called Contralto), but a Sporano/Mezzo-Soprano (head voice?!?), although I would still want a private teacher like before.  I do my best to drum at the dance school, but those are tahitian drums.  Nonetheless, I know how to drum on the toere, and now working on fa'atete and possibly the pahu.  

Dance

Currently I'm the lead Kokua (or what people tend to call the Alaka'i, assistant teacher) at my dance school, teaching dances in Tahitian and Hawaiian, and hopefully also Maori, Tongan and Samoan.  For a short time not too long ago, I attempted to do hip hop again and danced with a friend's crew.  I discovered that I'm good at following others dancing that, but not very good going alone, and apparently when I'm not sure what I'm doing, I throw in some hula, which was described as "although cute, not correct."  That group disbanded but I'm hoping to get back into it again.  

Writing

My blog entries have been scattered throughout the last couple years, often time reporting on present events, and here I am again!  Hopefully I can keep myself disciplined enough to be able to put out 1 entry per week at the least, but hopefully get back to a daily'ish grind.  This is my first step.  However, my first piece of writing that felt like it was heading in the right direction again happened at the beginning of this month when I wrote the first poem in a while.  Written when I was feeling strongest with emotion of course, but enough that I was able to spill it out on paper once again.  Not sure yet when I'll plan on publishing it, but maybe soon.  All it takes is inspiration of one thing to push everything else back into place.

 

My passions in the arts.  God knows where I could've brought myself to had I just not tried to avoid it so much before, and let others dictate what I shouldn't do.  I am now doing my best to focus on myself when it comes to my passions, and ensuring that I only allow those who will encourage me and share in the feeling be near me.  

My passions are a huge chunk of who I am.  If I forget it, I will never be complete.

Anyways, it's insanely late (or early cuz I see morning light already), and sleep is beckoning for me.  'Tis time!  Today is another day..... 

[ Written in 2010 ]

I am a dancer. No matter what I do or say, I cannot overlook it, I cannot deny it. May 10 will mark my 5 year anniversary dancing hula and tahitian. It's quite a monumental moment for me, but why then do I still feel like I am missing something?

It's been an awkward battle for me for a year now, and I know I've been toying with the idea of retiring before I even hit up some sort of big competition or something, anything big. Perhaps it is time that I graduate, and take my abilities to the next level. I already feel quite a bit of improvement, and it is indeed exhilerating.

My thirst is strong.

Dancing has always been therapeutic for me and in many ways, spiritual (I say this cuz I do feel it deep down in my heart). I've always strived to do my best and be better the next time around. I cannot settle for anything less than great.

But I'm finding that that motivation can only go as far as my surroundings. What do I do? Do I try to help push my peers to get to this same level? What if they do not have the same vision or desire as me? Even if we get to that level, what then?

It certainly doesn't help also that I may have some tension against me by 2 of the other younger teachers, who haven't been there as much for the past 2-3 years, but are coming back. This tension just doesn't make the environment any more comfortable for me.


.... About a year and a half later ....


And now I've completed a year after this post. I never got to finish it, and now I will. What has happened in the last year?

Well, somehow sh*t hit the fan July 2010 with those 2 teachers. I was just about to change to another school, when the main teacher told me to stay.

Your Position Is Always Going to be Threatened

Some people dislike you for things you do. Some people dislike you for who you are. And some people just don't like you for how others respond to you.

I understand that I am not well liked by everyone. But if you are part of a group and need to work together all the time, you need to find ways to make it work out for the greater good of the group as a whole. Especially once you realize that that person is there to stay, and will very likely be working side by side to you.

As a leader, you are given a set of responsibilities and expectations. In your absence, there will always be a need to fill in the holes you've left. The longer your absence, the more likely whoever is filling in for you will become better at what you do in their own way (not saying that I was better - I merely did it to help out, but without the full training I needed, I did it in the only way I knew how). When you come back, you must accept the fact that things might have changed in your absence. But also, whoever was filling in for you, may not really want to stay in that position even though you're back so there's no need to consider them a threat unless that's really their desire (I was SOOO relieved when they came back, but at the same time tense only because I wasn't sure if they still felt the same towards me and/or if they'd still treat me the way they had been in the previous years or if they'd even be happy with what I did with everyone else in their absence).

Call it what you may, but I was told that they felt threatened and jealous of me, and up until this day, I still do not see why they should. All I ever did was look up to them. They were the "scary" and hella difficult teachers to impress, and that's all I wanted to do. But you can only do so much once you keep getting your face slammed into a wall with no further directions.

Personal Ultimatum

In their absence, a few of us got into doing solo competitions. Without very strenuous training, we taught ourselves what to do from studying repeatedly the other dancers and reviewing the active competitors at our school's experiences. From that we broke down our training regime and came up with what we thought would work, after approval from the main teacher. We trained and sweated hard, and lo and behold, we saw fast results from our methods we came up with.  Or so we thought at least.

Then one of them came back. We thought we would hear some praise, especially for me (the others had thought so cuz I was the one who helped deconstruct and reconstruct the regime), of all our hard work, but all that was said was words of disgust, disparaging, and further degradation towards me.

So what do I do? Out of respect, I considered and understood fully that it was their territory and not mine. I was ready to leave. I was utterly hurt that after all this time, whatever quarrel they had with me, had not eased up. And what was worse, the other students were becoming afraid and uneasy that if they said or did the wrong thing, that that treatment would be aimed toward them.

It's one thing to affect me, but to affect the whole, it would be damaging for the greater good.

But the main teacher told me not to leave, else I let them win.

Changes, Sacrifices, Growth, and My Beliefs

Next thing I knew, they stopped coming. Then I heard from others that they weren't coming back. Eventually, everything did fall on me, and I really did take their place. By choice? No. By need and encouragement from everyone else? Yes.

Through the course of the next year, I led our school into a group competition and up to 10 individuals through another 3 solo competitions. We've acquired 3 trophies, but have gained more dancers. We have taught a desire and respect for the dance and its culture.

I believe in family and working together as one, especially when we are striving to reach a similar goal together. No one is better than the person standing next to them. If one of us fails, we all do. If one of us succeeds, we all do. In competition though, win or lose, we accomplish more than what a piece of wood, stone and plastic tells us so. When the world doubted us, we pulled through and turned heads, not separately but together. When the world said we should give up and stop, we pushed on and finished.

Can't does not exist in our vocabulary.

Together we sacrificed our time, sleep and other things to make things work.  We've learned through this sacrifice and hard work, we come out better in the end.  We learned that careful planning, research and proper sources makes things a lot easier in the end.  And that we cannot ever blame anyone else but ourselves for any of our failures.

I see potential in everyone. And those who are struggling, as long as they have the passion and desire to succeed, I promise to help them get there. I will study them, and study others, and try to find the middle ground.

My goal is for everyone to surpass my abilities someday, and to use that understanding to keep myself on my toes. That is how we all get better and succeed.

Where Are They Now?

I still wish they would come back. I never doubted their abilities, and their ways of teaching. If anything, I only didn't like how they treated the few they didn't like.  It's one thing to treat me that way, and of course I could only take it so much, but once it affects others, then it's simply not fair to anyone.  I hope someday they can return, and if not, then I wish them the best of luck.

Where Am I?

In the meantime, I will continue to try to teach the ways of fairness and respect, to oneself and to each other, within the discipline and beauty of the dance.  After 6+ years now, and in the past year alone, I have learned a lot, and it has definitely been a struggle.  Not saying the main teacher can't teach me what the other 2 could, but it certainly would've been sooner and faster if they did.  However, after this past year, I can definitely say I've gone through the blood, sweat and tears to get us where we are now.  And how we got here, is another story, for a later time.

 

Anyways, that's the update for now.  Hopefully I can get back to blogging again.  :)

I haven't blogged yet again for a bit. I'm truly losing my ability to write. The writing bug tends to like taking extended vacations from me.

Anyways, things going on...

WORK
Lots of cutting back on hours. Plus side, everyone is working better together (i.e. the Warehouse Manager does not bitch and complain and get all attitudy anymore, and if he does, he keeps it to himself thankfully). We're getting more efficient with our time and such. I still have to re-write ALL our handbooks though, so that's no fun.

HAWAI'I
Oh, Em, Gee! After all my life I am finally going! This is like the best thing that's happened to me so far this year. I get to meet up with friends who are over there now, and above all, hopefully find some answers to things in my life right now. Mainly the dancing thing. I'm learning how to pronounce the words correctly though.

HULA / TAHITIAN
Yes, I've been dancing for 5 years now, and I think I've mentioned how I've been considering quitting for a while now. Well, there's a tension that's growing more and more obvious as the months have passed this year. It seems that there are 2, but for sure at least 1, of the upper people (who haven't been around as much for the past 2 years now) have something against me. What exactly I don't know. I'm afraid to ask for fear that more drama is going to get stirred up, to which I would then be obliged to quit right then and there. For now, I'm thinking at the very least, I will stay until our Ho'ike (recital) early next year. At which point I will make the decision again.

Aside from that, I feel like I need more from dance. Which is something maybe, I'm hoping to find on my trip to Hawai'i. I feel like I want to regain a spiritual connection to the dances again, like how it used to feel when I first started dancing and everything was all new to me. I also want to get to a level where it's not just me who takes it as serious as I do. I mean, I don't doubt that the others feel the same, but there are still just a few too many people scattered in all the classes who really don't have that drive to go that deep. It would be nice to be surrounded completely by everyone who felt as deep about the dance as I do, and not just like a percentage of the whole.

Ultimately, I'd love to compete. Whether it be at something like Merrie Monarch (which I've been mistaken to have been part of in the past at a performance), or Tahiti Fete. And I don't necessarily mean in solo categories (although it would be cool), but in group events as well.

LOVE LIFE
Oh, man, do I really want to get into this one? I honestly think I'm such a fail at this (fa la lose)! Oddly enough to me, I've attracted guys I never would have imagined before. Some are hits, and others are a miss. No matter what though, they're always complicated.

I will say though, in this round of, hmm, how can I call this.... dating, talking to, "exploring", whatevers... I've encountered a couple "gems" who've held exceptional qualities, yet packaged in and from places I would have never expected. SO when asked what I look for and don't like in a guy, I have to say that list is kinda out the window. I can't really make a set list of qualifications and disqualifications because both can exist in one body. So I'm riding things out, and see where this road takes me.

So far so good.

WEIGHT
I'm gonna say it outright, I've finally hit 130! Skimming over some old entries, I noticed I had maintained a fluctuating weight of 135-140 since 2008. So far, I'm down to 130. That means another 5 lbs, and I'll be at my target weight for hoike. Now all I need to do is tone down the midsection somewhat to decrease the jigglies I have. :) Not like I care really, cuz I can still shake my thang! ;)

ALLERGIC REACTIONS
The unfortunate thing though, is one of the ways I've been able to lose this extra 5 lbs has been due to the recent outbreaks of food allergies I've been getting. It seems now that almost anything can give me a reaction now, which is no bueno for me. It makes me scared and skeptical about consuming anything now. Thankfully the reactions are minor, and not so much that I need to go to the hospital, like STAT. But they're definitely annoying.

First alcohol. Then sadly in early 2009, seafood. And this year, peanuts is a questionable next enemy. I've learned to consume them in moderation, and so far I'm able to survive with minor scratches. :)

GIRLY STATUS
Getting there. It'd be easier if the weather were warmer. I honestly think I'm a warm/hot weather kind of person. Being able to wear my fave kind of clothes would probably help entice me to keep the toner shape. Heck, I think that's why I never gained the ever dreaded "Freshman 15" for the first 2 years after high school (SJSU was a very hot place, almost all the time, so I wore a lot of tanks, skirts, shorts, dresses).


Anyways, that's all for now. I need to get ready for tomorrow's events. I get to go to a Pixar party. :)

This has been quite the issue silently haunting me in the back of my head every now and then recently. More so since I broke up with my last ex. I had gone too many years thinking he was the last stop in my life, only to find that it was not meant to be. Now I'm pushing close to 30 and it just sucks.

I'm on the fence of whether or not I have the desire anymore to try again and someday hope for a family. I can't lie and say I don't think about it or want it, but at the same time, I feel like I'd be in a rush to accomplish that at this point.

True, I can still start a family in my 30's, but the way I think of it, is by adding at least another 20+ years to whenever I do have my last child. My concern is being around and able to see my kids grow up and even hopefully to see them start their own family. It would be great if I can live well into my 80s or more, but considering the kind of life I lived, and my family history, I cannot help but want to be prepared for the worse case scenario of dying at an earlier age.

And oh the constant indirect pressures from my peers! I am still in the midst of being invited to various weddings, baby showers and kids' birthday parties, and then being hired (or potentially hired) for various weddings to do bridal make-up.

It's never-ending, especially when it sits so predominantly in the back of my head.

Then I come home after a long weekend of partying like college kids again to this article: Pregnant at Age 50

All I can say is KCUF! Knowing this info sucks even more.

"Each year after age 30, fertility drops progressively, so that by by age 40, the average woman has just 12 percent of her eggs left, and by age 45, the vast majority of women are quite infertile."

Ah well......

thought: There are women who want to have kids, and cannot; then there are women who don't want to have kids (or shouldn't be having them period) and keep popping them out.

Someone has read through my entire blog and photos, etc. Interesting. I'm glad someone finds my writing interesting or skimming/look-worthy if not reading. :)

In any case, I am just curious to know who just viewed my blog over 600 times in the past 1 hour and about 15 minutes.